Matron of Honour, Bride & flower girl
In February 2007 I was privileged to be matron of honour to my beloved friend Maggie.
In the lead up to the wedding, I had moments of panic which manifested themselves in nightmares. I distinctly remember panicking in case my dress wasn’t ready in time, and that night dreamed that I arrived at the church late, IN MY NIGHTIE, and that it was totally see through.
Now, the groom is a bit of a poet and he put it down in poetry – thought you’d like to share the laugh with me:
‘Twas a bright sunny day
In a church in Torbay
The guests were assembled when on a
Pew near the back came a “Oh! Flippin ‘eck!”
“Where the hell is the Matron of Honour !?”
Well Jimbo was there
(Though he didn’t care)
But brother Dave Bisset was cross
Then Sally said “Dave…
Now just you behave
And don’t you forget who’s the boss!”
The bride then arrived
And duly contrived
To gather her tresses and train
She said “Tell me, patron
What news of my Matron?”
And met with a silent refrain.
The Vicar said “Right!
I’ve ‘ad a long night
So can we get on with it please?”
Then Roderick’s boss
Said “I don’t give a toss!’
And gave the Bride’s bottom a squeeze!
Sir Hifford was there
With a dignified air
And turning toward the best man
Said “Don’tcha think, Rex
This is better than sex?”
I think I’ll sit under the fan!”
Sir Hifford Wilkingford-Bissett and his mother the Dowager Duchess
Then out of the blue
Came an almighty hue
And a cry like a screech in the night
Then through the Church gate
Flew the Matron …”I’m late!!
But don’t worry …I’m gonna be right!!”
“She’s pissed as a newt!”
Chuckled Stan “What a hoot!!
She’s been on the whisky and gin!”
She said “I have not
Now don’t talk such rot
Just look at the state you are in!”
“My dear” said the Vicar
“I see just a flicker
Of bosom beneath your attire
Pray don’t be so flighty
As to wear such a nightie
So sheer as to upset the choir!”
The best man cried Ha!
She’s wearing no bra!
And that nightie’s as thin as a veil!
It seems that the liquor’s
Affected her knickers
“Cos they’ve disappeared as well!”
The Vicar said “Right
I don’t have all night
So let us get on with the show”
The Matron said “’eck!
Just give us a sec
To get all me ducks in a row!”
Then Sally cried “Hey!
Get out of the way
I can’t see to sing and all that!”
Then came the retort
“That’s good ‘cos I thought
That someone had stood on the cat!”
The man at the organ
Whose name it was Morgan
Confessed it was he that had spoken
Sally said “Shut your face
And get back in your place
If you don’t want to get your nose broken!”
Dave Bisset jumped out
Of his seat with a shout
Of “My wife’s been insulted begorrah!
I’d have done it myself
But it’s bad for my ‘elf
So maybe I’ll try it tomorrer!”
Then Emily said
“That organist’s dead!
No way will he live after that!”
As Sally bore down
He did tremble and frown
Ending up on the floor with a splat.
The guests were aghast
As the matron cried “Blast!
This was all going to be so fantastic;
But now there’s a fight
And my dress is alight
‘Cos a candle has caught my elastic!”
Then Rex, in his arms,
Took her delicate charms
And carried her off to the font
The Vicar said “daughter
Your bum’s in the water !”
And she said “ that’s just what I want!”
Rod’s boss came across
And said what a loss
To whatever proceedings ensued
If due to the fire
She lost her attire
And had to perform in the nude.
Sir Hifford cried “NO!
I’d rather just go
Than to face such a spectacle here!”
Then Jimbo said “Yeah,
But she won’t really dare
Cos she doesn’t like people to leer.”
But after a while
Wearing only a smile
The matron of honour proceeded
The Vicar said “Please
Would you look at your knees
And leave all temptation unheeded.”
And so with good grace
The marriage took place
And love won the day in the end
And best news of all is
Despite his big fall is
The organist is on the mend.!
© Rod Walford April 2009
Over the last year I’ve been asked any number of times to teach people to cook.
